Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Oooh ok

I realized that I only ever blog these days when things don't go well. So for the past few weeks when I was happy and dandy I didn't update that I got decent grades in the end, didn't have to cut myself in shame, found the confidence to apply for a really interesting job... And also did the usual like celebrate July birthdays with SHG and attend our first ever wedding as a group.

Today I'm here because I woke up with a bronchitis diagnosis that for some reason made me depressed af. On top of that I realized that this person I've been chatting with wasn't working out. I also have no dramas to watch because for some reason Legal Mavericks is stuck at ep 14. So I'm bored, sick and disappointed.

I knew this whole dating shit would leave me like that so I have always maintained that I wasn't the type and it wasn't for me. But yet I decided to try, knowing full well it won't work for me but secretly wishing for a miracle like I always do from family to friends to my entire law career.

So now I am here, nine days after trying (without meeting the person thank goodness). Sick and sad that I let this happen knowingly. Because if I had just stuck by my gut feel I wouldn't be lying in bed typing this.

I believe that every part of my life is precious and should be enjoyed (no matter how tough) because I'll never experience this again. But times like that I just feel like I wasted time trying to fit everyone's mould.

If I were the conventional type, you guys, I wouldn't be me already. I may not be a special snowflake,but this dating shit is definitely not for me.

Thank you for "dating" me for nine freaking days. That alone is an achievement and also thank you for handling all those embarrassing moments so well. All the best on the app, Spidey.

Friday, June 23, 2017

完整的人

我要成為很棒很棒很棒的人
不過我想做的 都得靠學業成績
這種生活讓我很難受很難過

最近就是靠幾句美言支撐希望。
好像李千娜那首『不曾回來過』。
還有這幾句。
也許讀法律是為了完整自己。
那麼就算明天不如預期,我也沒枉費這三年的苦勞。

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

More IL woes

Today I had a rough day.

It's weird af that I had a rough day since it's after exams and I'm not at home (read: no reason to make me upset). But today I went to consult someone respectable on my plans, like I've been doing for the past week.

That person obviously didn't mean to make me upset. Nothing he said could've been construed as being mean or hurtful. Not even remotely.

(Partially because dude is so polite I sometimes wonder if he memorized social rules the way people learnt legal ones.)

But perhaps because I thought my plans were solid and the only thing left in my way was convincing my parents I could do it. And when I've planned something and I am told I should rethink it, I get automatically defensive.

The difference is I was talking to someone respectable so there was no way I could be defensive, nor was it my instinctive reaction. I accepted everything he told me because I knew he was right. I just didn't want to face it and didn't think I would have to face it.

So I was angry with myself for, again, not getting better grades. My lack of grades will hold me back for the rest of my life and I hate the fact that I cannot and could not have controlled it any better despite what the whole world thinks. I was upset that my ambitions were again, further than I thought.

I spent the whole 2h journey to Windsor sobbing and I still haven't felt better. Because I know I am screwed and there's nothing much I can do about it.

But in between all of this, I felt oddly grateful.

Someone this established needn't have taken time to be my mentor, but he did. Someone this respectable needn't made my concern one of his, even for 15 minutes, but he did. And because he was the right person saying the right thing at the right time, I was suddenly put back into the state I should always have been in: one that always tries to be better instead of one that settles.

I vaguely recall this article I read when I first started working, about how successful people help others succeed because they know there's room at the top. I haven't come across anyone remotely fitting of this description since I came over because my law experience has been flooded with people lying, people pretending and people trying to size up others.

But on this day, on the second last week of my status as a student of this law school, I found someone who reinstated my faith in this field.

That's a super inspiring individual that I now feel super grateful to have befriended (private joke here, but you get the drift). He deserves every ounce of his brilliance because he's super capable of using his intellect to benefit this world. 

Saturday, May 06, 2017

Things we'll never know

Today was International Law revision day. I've actually been looking forward to it after all that Trusts/Commercial. (And Employment you know is just better off as coursework unit.)

So anyway, I read on Twitter that one of my IL profs was running a roundtable with fellow academics, barristers, public servants, etc on two recent cases that appeared to me to be on issues of immunity and jurisdiction.

And then I went.

I'm not sure what made me go since it was 3.5 hours of one revision day. I suspect a big part of it was because I'm into my last couple of weeks in an academic setting and I really wanted to make full use of it. I have never been the sort to study for the sake of results, and to me it is much more important that I learn meaningful and interesting things. That is why I chose Sociology then, and I don't think that part of me has changed very much.

Anyway so then I went.

I was the only non-PhD student there so I felt really out of place (ok I also felt out of place because I only understood like 30% of what was going on), especially with all that networking going on... it felt like good old days at work. The prof tried to make me talk as well which was even worse because at least, back in the good old days of work, there was still some sort of holding line I could give.

At some point during the networking the prof and another prof (the legendary one who taught us Juris last year) came by to talk to me and one of their first questions to me was ARE YOU THINKING OF DOING FURTHER STUDIES?

I guess because the other students there were PhD or post-doctorate. And I guess if you attend this sort of session people expect that you're passionate about this kind of topic. (I mean it says a lot that I went for this one but skipped the Environmental Law seminar a couple of weeks back. I could've presented my FYRP at that one but I decided not to go.)

Obviously neither of them know that this whole law thing was supposed to be 'further studies' in its own right considering I already have a degree, but because I was so stunned by the question, I mumbled something along the lines of having no plans to because I heard it's quite difficult to get in.

So second prof said, with a laugh, "well 'hard' is relative, and there are people who would find it 'hard' to get into this law school but here you are."

See that is the thing that people don't get. And they never do. There is this silent expectation that everyone who is in law school came here rather naturally.

Oh.



Wang Lee Hom didn't write this song for me to abuse it like that, but the title says it all for me.

Some people have problems getting into law school, some people have problems surviving law school, some people have problems getting a job after law school and some people will never consider doing further studies in law because it is just too 'hard' for them.

These profs, being brilliant as they are (I like both of them very much so this is not sarcastic), will never know.





PS: Regarding my last entry, I'm taking it as case closed because nothing conclusive was told to me about criminal liability.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

我。 完。 了。

最近雖然已經換季,還是很冷
冷到會下雪, 冷到要穿羽絨服
但再冷 天空還是很美的 每日出太陽

最近出國了,來到歐洲那麽久終于出去闖闖了
我們去了法國 迪斯尼樂園
不知爲何 每隔幾年都會有想去迪斯尼的衝動
今年不例外 但今年在歐洲 所以去了法國的
是的一次也是唯一一次
那裏的迪斯尼服務特差,大家也沒遵守在指定地方抽烟的規矩
排隊的時候會有人插隊,看烟火的時候會被推

但到了最後一天,這些也變得沒那麽重要
因爲錢包被偷了

錢包在法國被人偷 真的不會太驚人
是自己的疏忽 所以我也沒怨天尤人
只是很捨不得媽媽送的錢包
還有裏頭 珍藏已久 這幾年看過的演唱會門票,駕駛執照,身份證等等

不過這些都是身外物,經過1.5年前的那場火,我也看得很開
但那麽貴重的東西被偷,會想辦法向保險公司申請賠償
這,也是理所當然

可惜的是,申請時,自己犯了錯

真不知這錯有多糟,更不知道會有什麽樣的後果
雖然說這是很多人都會做的事,但畢竟是錯的
我也沒辦法不認錯

我的法律事業
可以説 連開始都還沒有
這個時候發生這種事
真心覺得

我。 完。 了。

錢包被偷是我倒霉,但犯錯是我愚昧
錢包被偷時很想時間倒帶,讓我當時好好保管自己的東西
犯錯被揭發后更想時間倒帶,讓我當時別因爲想要得到賠償而做出會傷害名譽的事

我沒什麽宗教信仰
但我深信這是個教訓
一個 我還沒當律師 就一定要吸取的教訓
因爲萬一沒學會,以後會更錯

從小就覺得自己很正直,沒想到還是有行差踏錯的一天
所謂 人都會犯錯 應該是這個意思吧

在某群朋友裏,我的綽號是包青天
不過今日起 我再也沒辦法 用這個綽號了
就算是玩笑
我也不配

這個應該在努力溫書的時期,我卻在這裏懊惱我的將來
真心希望 可以平安度過
不過到了這個時候 也好像只能求神明保佑
然後希望就算沒事,自己會牢牢記住這個經驗
以後別做踩過界的事